This is an excerpt from the article “Pornography Verses Conscious Sexuality”, from Stella Muse:
The Art of Lovemaking
Conscious sex leads to LOVE making. Learning the art of lovemaking, of intimacy and connection with your partner beyond diving direct into genital stimulation is so empowering personally and in a couple. When my clients realize this, learn and practice this they express there is no longer a desire for porn as it doesn’t satisfy like love does.
Being conscious means being present, totally and utterly in the moment; with yourself if it is self pleasure or with your beloved if you are enjoying together. You are not distracted, thinking about the ‘to do’ list from the day, neither are you worrying about how your body looks in the light or if some part of you is big enough or small enough. None of these ‘personality’ driven thoughts are given any attention. Instead, that mind power is channeled into presence and thus love for your beloved. As you let go of everything else you loosen, you relax, you soften and open to melt into them and the moment. Being fully in the here and now on a regular basis with yourself first and foremost through practices such as meditation, yoga, floating and mindfulness allows you to better drop into the moment and be present with your beloved as well. Gifting presence is a priceless gift of love to your beloved which in turn is also a gift to your relationship and yourself.
When you are present you are really being with the other person and this is when the intimacy builds. Intimacy also depends on how honest you are with yourself and your beloved. You can not lie to yourself and you can not lie to a beloved if you want to get intimate. Your innate desire for intimacy is your desire to know and experience yourself deeply and to be truly known by your beloved.
4 simple ways to build intimacy before you get to the bedroom
Share Ideas – Be open minded, listen and share; perhaps it’s planning a holiday, booking a restaurant, or creating something together from a meal to a business launch.
Share Emotions – Without projection – Own how you’re feeling – share your emotions in a loving manner. This opens your heart to your beloved and brings you closer.
Have a Snuggle – Snuggling and hugging is endorphin raising. Holding someone and/or being held allows your body to slow down enough to connect deeper; to feel the others warmth, their energy merge with yours and welcome them into your personal space. This can be as intimate as you allow.
Touch to Feel – Conscious touch means being present while you are touching to deeply feel the other person can be extremely intimate. This transforms the stroke of an arm or cheek to a sensual interaction. Building upon this with touch after touch can awaken the fire between you both.
4 simple steps to spark Conscious Sex / Lovemaking
Set the scene – Candles, music, incense, dim lights, some champagne, ice cubes, strawberries, a blind fold, mirrors, warming or cooling of the room. Use your imagination it can be as simple as one candles by your bed or turning your space into a sacred temple of love worship.
Eye gazing – Eyes are the windows to the soul and are the powerhouse of sparking intimacy and fueling passion. Try; sit knee to knee, women on top, stand naked across the room from each other, or in front of a mirror if you are alone and look deeply into the eyes of yourself or your beloved. In them you will see yourself, you can see love, oneness, unity, Divinity. What else can you see? What do you feel? Where in your body do you feel it?Sensual touch – Where on your body or your partners body do you love to touch, explore, be licked, kissed, tasted, tickled, pinched, massaged? Go to other areas besides the breasts or genitals, make them hungry, wet, begging, desiring, excited, turned on, juicy for more before you go near the genitals.
Body Worship – This is the time to slow dance your way around the body temple, yes, slow. Slow it right down. Once you do make it to breast, yoni or lingam touch, take your time. This should be a dance or enticing erotica. THIS foreplay is lovemaking, it is being present in the heat of the moment, in the HEART of the moment.
The key distinction is that conscious lovemaking goes beyond the physical, you are penetrating each others hearts and souls as well. A conscious lover tunes into their beloveds movements, the flush of their skin, their breath and heart rate increasing, the little quivers or moans. They tune into the energy of their beloved and respond with passion and love. For some there is a healthy curiosity, a desire to experiment, mix things up and/or explore porn but once that has been achieved and the art of LOVE making, of conscious sex has been learned and practiced the distinction between the two is so vast it is like your eyes opening for the first time and you can not close them and shy away from what you have seen (felt, tasted…) ever again. This is the power of conscious sex, this is the power of making LOVE through opening to being Divine LOVE.
Article Source: http://www.stellamuse.com/porn-v-conscious-sex/
Love the golden hope of your divinity more than your current reality, then there is hope!! Eventually this hope is not true anymore, because it became your truth. The golden light of God comes to establish peace and wisdom! Through the temple of revelation and divine peace, the light of God manifest once again on the earth plane.
Open Up, turn into a barer of divine faith and truth! Allow the stream of light to flow through you! Aligned with the great plan of The Eternal One! Your reward is immense inner wealth and your awakening in God!INVOCATION
On behalf of my I AM presence I call the 2nd golden ray into action, to ensure the fulfillment of the divine plan.
I live, breath and navigate my entire existence,
nestled in a gigantic shining, fiery burning golden flame,
from the heart of the temple of wisdom and enlightened peace in the Himalaya mountains.
Thousands of suns…there, for all who have ears to hear and eyes to see.
Cleansing, healing, protective, electrostatic, guiding, uplifting and enlightening in service to all the people on the light path
I AM part of the golden ray of the victorious flame of divine wisdom. All Masters teachings and writings, everything under this rays radiation, works in me, through me and around me – in every group, every thing and every situation
where I AM, NOW and FOREVER!
I completely opening myself to the 2nd golden ray of wisdom and enlightened peace,
surrendering with all my BEing.PRAYER In the Divine I live, I move and I have my entire existence. The divine lives and moves within me and my entire being. I radiate love, peace and divine power into my environment, for the benefit of all beings. The divine power heals me and penetrates my entire soul.
I feel, think and accept, that me and all the members of my family
are protected by the divine force of unconditional love! I AM positive, that the divine light and eternal vigilance, heals, helps, guides, enlightens and transforms me. I forgive everyone and everything!
In the center of my existence is deep inner peace. In silence I feel the power, the leadership and the love of the Holy Presence. I feel the stream of eternal love flow within me. I know, that all my problems are already resolved in the divine light.
The divine ways are my ways. The words that I have spoken will accomplish, what they are send for!! AMEN
I hope you feel inspired to take a bath in the loving embrace of this magical energy field, the strength and clarity of the Master Lord Lanto. The goal is to be clear and present in the moment, while we keep a corner of our eye fixed on our internal transformation towards our inner light. You deserve to live your life in the ease and unconditional love of your mighty “I AM presence”!! Keep breathing deeply, keep praying and repeating the words over and over again – until your hopes are no hopes anymore, because they became your reality!!! Blessings an Love ;-)! Edith
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Dear Friends, I shared this wonderful piece about a year ago and today realized, it is even more inspiring now as we are collectively invited to understand sexuality on a completely different level than before. It complements perfectly my post about the sacredness of our human sexuality, within the new relationship paradigm for the Golden Age of Aquarius. I hope you like it as much as I did, and that you feel inspired by the practical tips the author is providing! Have fun experimenting and discovering yourself and your partner in the beauty of your soul’s light!!
Blessings and Love!
The key is to view our sexuality holistically—not just as a physical or emotional experience. When we honor our sexuality as the most potent energy we possess (literally the ability to create life), we realize a powerful opportunity for cultivating union—a deep, soulful merging between two people. Turn your love making into a spiritual practice. Use sex to awaken, express your creativity and expand consciousness. In yoga, this is called bramacharya (containment and mindful use of sexual energy) and is one of the 10 foundations (yamas) of living a yogic life.
1. Choose Partners Wisely
Look and choose partners that have the same intention as you. For example, if you are seeking a relationship, be clear they have the same intention. If you just want a lover, make sure your partner is on the same page. Is this a monogamous relationship or open? Transparency builds mutual trust and understanding and creates the safety necessary for your psyche and soul to feel safe enough to expand. Having honest, direct conversations means you’re setting the foundation of love and respect.
2. Agree on the Ground Rules
Prior to entering into a sexual relationship, have a conscious dialogue around basics such as sexually transmitted diseases, what type of birth control you’ll use and even what happens if you do get pregnant. It’s crucial to set and agree on ground rules in order to build a foundation where both partners feel understood.
If you have trouble discussing touchy subjects with your partner, it’s a good indication that there is not enough care, friendship, emotional connection or psychological development between you to warrant moving into a sexual relationship. In other words, if you can’t be honest about your needs or truth, ask yourself why? Is this really an appropriate sexual partner for you? Bonus: deeper intimacy and physical satisfaction comes when you feel safe, heard and respected!
3. Practice Deep Breathing
Before you enter the physical love making, get in the habit of slowing down and resonating with your partner by breathing together. Conscious sexuality is not about orgasm. It’s not even about intercourse. When we focus our attention on the breath, we move out of a goal oriented, physical process and into a more ‘feeling state’ connected to the subtle, non-linear, energetic body.
Making love is two people truly seeing, feeling, celebrating and honoring each other—a merging of the two into the one. When you deepen and slow down your breath, you open over 72,000 energetic pathways or nadis. This relaxes your body, increasing blood circulation which can lead to fuller, more pleasurable orgasms (not necessarily the goal). It also calms the mind and softens the ego. You will begin to connect to your partner from a more generous, humble, open and authentic place. If you notice continued deep, conscious breathing is difficult for you, get thyself to a yoga class!4. Practice Soul Gazing
Another powerful exercise to build energetic and emotional alignment with your partner is Soul Gazing. This is an open-eye meditation where you simply sit comfortably and relax together. Start by sitting on the floor or bed across from each other in a cross-legged position (or whatever feels comfortable). Sit close together, knees almost touching. Lengthen through your spine, relax your shoulders, face, jaw, tongue and your expectations. Make and gently hold eye contact. (It is helpful to look left eye to left eye so the eyes are not darting back and forth.) Begin to observe each other silently. Take each other in. Watch your breath without trying to control it. Observe what you see in the other person and how it feels to truly be seen. Let any thoughts, judgments, expectations, defenses or tension rise and silently fall away. Relax, breathe, see, be seen and feel.
For many people, it is extremely difficult to maintain eye contact here. Laughter often arises, a feeling of silliness or fidgeting. Simply notice this and allow it to rise and fall away like waves in the ocean. Come back to the breath. Silently sit and gaze into each others’ eyes—with no expectation—for a minimum of 15 minutes.
When you move out of the personality and verbal mode of communicating, you begin to simply be with another and drop into a more authentic space. Your connection deepens out of the “False Self” we tend to project. You begin seeing through the eyes of the heart and perceiving your partner beyond the roles and identity you have attached to them. Expectations and judgements slip away. The Soul or Spirit becomes more tangible. Attuning and bringing your energies into alignment with deep breathing and soul gazing will immediately enhance the intimacy in your relationship even when you are not having sex.
5. Set an Intention
Allow your love making to turn into a spiritual practice. This is often referred to as ‘sexual magic’ —or using sex as a gateway for spiritual evolution and deep psychological and emotional healing. One way to begin this practice is to simply set an intention or say a prayer before making love. Ask Spirit to enter the room. Ask that this be a ritual to bring both you and your partner into your Highest Self, connect with your deepest truth, wisdom and capacity for unconditional love.
If you’re in a committed relationship you may choose to focus on something you intend to create together with your partner. For example, if you have children you may dedicate your ritual as an offering to be better parents. If there’s tension in a relationship or you just had a fight, ask that the love you make help you both soften, let go, forgive and reconnect. Perhaps, your intention is simply to explore, release, be wild, playful and have fun! Sex is alchemy—an opportunity to use the physical body to consciously shape-shift, change our emotional state and elevate our consciousness. Your sexual energy is the most powerful energy you own. Literally, the energy that creates life. It does not get any bigger or more potent than that. Setting an intention before sex is like placing a dam on this raw power—focusing and directing the flow to exactly the area of your life you choose.
6. Start Slowly
Slow down…. Sex is not a goal-oriented process. Our aim is to move out of the ego/thinking mind and into the transcendent realm of the Soul. Start with deep breathing, massaging, gentle touching, kissing and maintaining eye contact. The nervous system, physical body and heart need time to transition, relax, feel safe and open. Patience creates safety, ease and contentment. The ego mind is goal-oriented. When we are trying to get somewhere or get someone else somewhere it breeds tension, anxiety and constriction in the body.
When you notice your thinking mind ‘trying’, analyzing, judging or anticipating, return to the breath, relax, recommit to gazing and slow down. Holding each others’ gaze while making love breeds much more intimacy (and vulnerability) and connects the heart center to the second chakra or sacral center. Deep breathing expands and spreads out the intensity, desire and sensations of the sexual organs, building a bridge between our primal desires (sexual energy) and our heart—the emotional, sweet, tender, vulnerable, authentic space of who we are. Breath, gaze, sound and intention begin to align our actions with our heart.7. Draw Energy Up Your Spine
Once you are making love, practice taking deeper breaths to expand your energy and draw it up the spine. When we move up the line through the chakras, we move into more refined aspects of Self. We are less obsessed with our individual, physical desires and getting our needs met and more attuned to our partner, expanding our awareness and serving others. Allow yourself to be “inspired.” The word “inspiration” literally means to breathe in—to be filled with breath. Allow Spirit to flow through you and be literally In-Spired or filled with Spirit when you’re in the process of making love. Visualize the flow of energy moving upwards through your belly, chest, back, outwards through your arms and eyes, and back to your partner again. This begins the tantric loop of contained energy that will fuel and “inspire” both of you.
8. Bring More Affection Daily
Make affection, kindness, tenderness and physical touch a priority on a daily basis. Sweetly caress your lover’s face. Get in the habit of regularly giving compliments. Hold their hand. Surprise your lover with a sweet kiss. Practice random, unsolicited acts of kindness. This stimulates the ‘mirror neurons’ making us feel loved, lovable and keeps us sensually connected. Do this for yourself, too! Self love is the foundation of all love.
Dear Friends, here we are on the other side of the rainbow. The impact of the high frequency energies we experienced lately, are slowing down now and relaxation is kicking in. Of course so far we only have received the download of our divine potential. Now it is time to take a little rest. Allow the inspirations and visions to settle into your energy body. To give it some time and receive from our subconscious, the details of our individual soul plan within the bigger picture.
The divine energy field the individual person needs the most now, is the Divine Golden Ray of the I AM presence. This light ray is there to help us with the embodiment of the higher dimensional vibrations of divine wisdom, which leads to authentic divine actions. Here are the four, in this very moment, most relevant Ascended Masters of the Golden Divine Ray. If you choose to get in touch with them – their energies can help you in the upcoming days, when inspiration, vision and dreamworld slowly turn into experienced reality.
ASCENDED MASTER LORD LANTO
Love the golden hope of your divinity more than your current reality, then there is hope!!
Lord Lanto teaches us to keep our awareness focused with 51% of our power on the divine inner essence we are. To walk with a daytime awareness that allows us, to keep one toe on the other side of the veil- always. So we might not forget again, who we really are and what we have chosen to fulfill in this precious lifetime!! Pray to Lord Lanto, if you need to strengthen your I AM presence!
In the Divine I live, I move and I have my entire existence.
The divine lives and moves within me and has its entire being in me.
I radiate love, peace and divine power into my entire environment,
for the benefit of all beings.
The divine power heals me and penetrates my entire soul.
I feel, think and act, that me and all members of my family are protected by the divine force of unconditional love!
I AM positive that the divine light and eternal vigilance, heals, helps, guides, enlightens and transforms me.
I forgive everyone and everything!
In the center of my existence is profound inner peace.
In inner silence I feel the power, the leadership and the love of the Holy Presence.
I feel the stream of eternal love flow within me.
I know, that all my problems are resolved within the divine light.
The divine ways are my ways.
The words that I have spoken will accomplish, what they are send for!! AMENINVOCATION
On behalf of the I AM presence
I call the 2nd golden ray into action, to ensure the fulfillment of the divine plan.
I live, breath and navigate my entire existence, nestled in a gigantic shining,
fiery burning golden flame.
From the heart of the temple of wisdom and enlightened peace, in the Himalaya mountains.
Thousands of suns…there, for all who have ears to hear and eyes to see.
Cleansing, healing, protective, electrostatic, guiding, uplifting and enlightening.
In service to all the people on the light path!
I AM part of the golden ray of the victorious flame of divine wisdom.
All Masters teachings, writings and everything under this rays radiation,
works in me – through me and around me.
It radiates in every group, every thing and every situation where I AM, now and forever!
I completely open myself to the 2nd golden ray of wisdom and enlightened peace, with all my BEING.
ASCENDED MASTER LORD LING
Master Ling is holding the frequency field of DIVINE BLISS for us. Divine bliss is our non materialized natural state of being. Whenever we are a soul or light body only, we float as blissful light thru the universe. Here on earth it is our job, to bring as much as possible of this high vibrating field into materialization. To embody this bliss until it becomes the driving force of our creations and sharing with others. Pray to Lord Ling whenever you look at your world with sad or lonely eyes, or to consciously increase the amount of bliss you are able to hold in your light body!
Master Ling please unfold your gold shimmering coat of bliss and love around me.
Your radiation penetrates me now and encourages each atom inside of me, to shine brighter and vibrate faster.
I am the sources radiant electron energy.
My physical body, my mental body, my feeling body and my light body are in harmony.
I feel wrapped in a protective, radiant light garment.
That makes me victorious over every imperfection!
I stand firmly in the golden I AM light.
Bliss shines in me, around me and through me.ASCENDED MASTER KENICH AHAU
Trust the process, follow your path and keep developing your tolerance. Your unconditional acceptance will enlighten the world. Everything is perfect within the light and eyes of unity.
Kenich Ahau is the Ascended Master of our ancestors wisdom. He is holding the energy field of the Mayan knowledge about time and space, the Tzolkin. The divine/hermetic law of Rhythms and Cycles of human evolution. Under his supervision, memories from past lives and former achievements can come back to us, adding personal power to our everyday experience of our true selves. The song representing his vibration in the world is the well known Celtic ballad “Greensleeves”.
Listen to it, and you will be connected to his guidance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdjYlrvVFNo
I think light, I feel light, I’m breathing light!!
I let the divine light pulsate through me.
I am the light! Its as simple as that!!
ASCENDED MASTER BUDDHA GAUTAMA Buddha Gautama is the Buddha of enlightenment. He helps us detach from what ever does not serve any longer. He has a variety of prayers, but this is the one I worked with the most so far! Healer and Energy Worker, who work with mental death as a conscious tool of transformation, are well of to establish a strong connection with him!!! I love the effect it has on my physical body, to let go of attachments and fears of death. Praying it on a regular base, allowed a much profounder feeling of personal freedom to emerge in my life. Hope you will enjoy it too!!!PRAYER
I bow to the highest, to “I AM” awareness.
So all lower levels of existence may be blocked for me,
and I might be lead to the divine levels of higher vibrations.
And to set me free from all memories of birth, age, sickness and death.
I hope you find inspiration and assistance in this information to create your own strong connection, with the realm of the Ascended Masters. They are here for us at any time, just as the Angels and Archangels are – the only thing you need to meet them, is to ask for contact and feel worthy to receive!!! I wish you blissful and relaxed days of integration and lot’s of fun with your first food steps into materializing your Golden Age of Aquarius!!! Blessings, Gratitude and Love
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Dear Friends, we did it! We moved thru the most intense energy fields of the year. Today is a day to relax and let the blueprint we received as vibrations, slowly make its way into our conscious awareness. Today Saturn makes a Trine to the Blood Moon and a sextile to the Sun. Saturn – the planet of discipline hard work and determination, rules how we build the structures of our human society. What degree of authenticity and integrity we expect from our governments, military, police and politicians. Saturn is everything that is solid concrete and long lasting, just as we want the Golden Age of Aquarius to be.
The numerology of the day 09/28/2015 creates the energy of 27/9, the vibrations of co-operation, balance, openness, trust, wisdom and authenticity.
When we are influenced by the number 2 in relation to the vibration 9, we are invited to use the wisdom of our heart to create inner balance. To calibrate the masculine and feminine forces, with the divine and human qualities inside of us. This – and a commitment to use all the information and knowledge we gained over the last week, for authentic exchange with others.
09/28/2015 = 27/9
When you look at today’s number “9”, you see it is build in three steps the number 2, the 7 and as result the number 9. The sum or end number shows the energy we feel driven to express. The numbers before the slash are the details, we need to take in consideration to get there. So today’s path are the numbers 2 and 7. Today’s most pressuring energy is the vibration of the number 9.
The number two represents the energies of: CO-OPERATION & BALANCE
When we are under the vibration of 2 in relationship to 9, we experience a collective call for service and duty to the bigger picture of human awakening. A call to consciously choose to overcome our fear of the unknown, and step into a new paradigm of co-operative creation with all Beings. Its about serving the collective awakening and STEPPING UP to our divine life purpose, our soul’s personal mission. We are invited to find creative solutions for injustice, imbalance and conflict in the world.
We are encouraged to show deep devotion to our mediation practice, to enable us for divine action and further alignments. Seek balance and harmony in your partnerships and relationships! Put attention on your attitude! Be friendly, gentle and kind. The peacemaker, where ever you go!!!!The number two represents the energies of: OPENNESS & TRUST
Number seven is the number of the Spiritual Warrior, the natural born leader and healer. Therefore the energies of the day support us to use our self-healing powers and to trust, that we truly can let behind us – let go of and move on from, what ever is still hurt in us. A true spiritual warrior is a person who consciously chooses to walk a path of honesty and integrity that demands from them, to find inner peace where ever they encounter conflict. To be an active force of divine peace in this world. And today, everybody is asked to hear the call for being such a person.
When we are living 7 in relationship to nine, than we should ask ourselves how we can use our incredible personal spiritual gifts, to support the collective growth process. To bring the spiritual awakening of the collective masses and the manifestation of the Golden Age of Humanity on its way. On a day seven we feel stronger connected with our spiritual channels and can more easily receive messages from our divine guidance. The collective consciousness is stronger charged with excess to intuition, inner-knowing and inner-wisdom. So take your chance and get connected! The energies will whisper to you about the Divine Plan for a collective life in peace!
The number nine represents the energies of: WISDOM & AUTHENTICITY
Number 9 is the number of Universal love, eternity, faith, spiritual enlightenment, collective evolution, collective transformation and collective karma. A higher perspective of life is achievable, when we study the Universal Spiritual Laws and show the wisdom and authenticity to put them into actions. As impact on the collective evolution of humanity, the number 9 also represents the call for a Brotherhood of Men!! To create a society where every single human being feels seen, appreciated, valued and loved. In relationship to today’s numbers 2 and 7, it means to life a life of clarity in personal core values – that allows us to openly express our true self in authentic, free communication – for the good of all Beings on planet earth!! Below you find a prayer, that helps us charge the energy field for a smooth collective change.
By the power of my divine I AM presence,
I invoke the energies of Balance and Healing for a New World. May all Beings know peace within themselves. May that peace radiate everywhere on earth. May we follow our Divine Guidance on every step of the way. May a new authentic leadership arise on the earth. For the greater good of ALL BEINGS!
After all this strong waves of collective transformation, now we go into a phase of relaxation and integration!! Read tomorrow how the Ascended Master realm and the Golden Ray of Divine Wisdom and Enlightened support us in the integration of past weeks energies!! So as always, keep breathing deeply! Blessings Edith
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Dear Friends, things are further heating up as we walk ahead in this six days of strongestenergetic impact in 5000 years!! Only one day before the astrological events are peeking, the day energy invites us to unleash our inner Spiritual Warrior. Till September 28th the energies will further continue to build up, so keep breathing deeply and take very good care of yourself!!
The numerology of the day 09/26/2015 comes down to 25/7, the vibrations of co-operation,balance, discipline, freedom, openness and trust. Don’t forget, of you are a Highly Sensitive person, an Indigo Child or Empath you will be stronger effected than others.
09/26/2015 = 25/7
When we look at today’s number “7”, you see it is build in three steps the number 2, the number 5 and as result the number 7. The sum or end number shows the energy we feel most driven to express today. The numbers before the slash are the details, we need to take in consideration to get there. So today’s path are the numbers 2 and 5. The most triggering today, is the voice of the vibration number 7.
The number two represents the energies of: CO-OPERATION & BALANCE
When we experience the impact of a day with the number 2 in relationship to the number seven, than we talk about a day of inner relationship to our higher self and higher powers.
In yesterdays article I mentioned, that the number 2 represents the point in our live, where we discover that we are not alone. The moment we realize that there are others on the planet with us. I further shared, that the number 2 positively expressed, thrives to create win / win for everyone! And EVERYONE is the key in our today’s story. The inner movement initiated by another crumbling paradigm! The historical karma of the suffering savior, the helpless helper or the wounded healer – are over!!
This collective evolution into the Golden Age of Aquarius requires from us, to be healthy, happy and balanced people, if we go out into the world to serve others with our divine gifts. We are invites to move on to a relationship with our soul’s divine guidance, that allows us a devoted service to the bigger picture – while we are taking excellent care of our selves and make sure to help, share and support others only as much – as we truly have the capacity for.
The number five represents the energies of: DISCIPLINE & FREEDOM
The situations, feelings and insights triggered by a day with the numbers 5 and 7 in relationship, are clearing our understanding of personal freedom. Freedom in our modern society is one of the most misunderstood divine qualities existing. Many people think if they make enough money to pay for every service they need, they are free. Others think, that living alone and creating as minimum social interaction or close emotional relations with others as possible, is a sign of personal freedom. But in both cases it is an illusion created by underlying fears of attachment, vulnerability or neediness.
Authentic inner personal freedom is created, by a commitment to absolute discipline in listening to own inner guidance, or higher self, the divine spirit. Be aware on a day with the energies of 5 in the mix, many people experience inner restlessness, irritation or torn feelings. That is exactly the moment to act in determined commitment to our next evolutionary step – and do what ever we are asked to do!The number seven represents the energies of: OPENNESS & TRUST
It is the number of the “Spiritual Warrior”! The quality of natural born leader, natural healer and healing powers! On a day with this energy frequency, the collective consciousness has stronger excess to develop a feeling of faith, to feel their intuition, to reach inner-knowing, hear inner-wisdom, to open channels for psychic abilities, understand our life purpose, and reach spiritual acceptance.
In combination with the influence of tomorrow’s moon events, this is a high powered day for deep spiritual awakening, to gain higher awareness, to reach spiritual enlightenment, a day for deep contemplation, thoughtfulness in thought – word – action, independent development and inner alchemy. Take time in the morning for a profound meditation, and you will be impressed how connected you will feel all day long!!!
I hope today’s insights support you in being exactly the Divine Warrior you are born to be, and to ride your carriage with clarity and humble pride! Read tomorrow about the impact of the peek day!! The energies of September 27th, the day of the SUPER HARVEST BLOOD MOON!! Keep breathing deeply! Love and Blessings! Edith
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Dear Friends, I absolutly love this article!!! Born as an Empath and an Indigo child, I have suffert just about everything the article is talking about. I cared to much, I loved to pure (for my surrounding) and I started doubting everything, stopped trusting people and retreated. But now, being in my power – I love life and people, I can give and receive love freely and fearless and can bring all the power of divine love into the world and to my clients!! Healing is recommendable ;-)!! Also I can see the lover that I AM in every word the author says about us empathic people. So I hope you enjoy the read and bring all your beloved existance into shining manifestation! Unconditional love and Blessings!! Edith Empaths are unique personality types, their sensory levels are always on high alert, they are incredibly intuitive and their awareness and sensitivity to the energy levels that vibrate around them are extremely high. If an empath senses something, they are not often wrong. If they think someone’s lying or that something is just “not right” you can bet your last dollar that they are not wrong.
Therefore, a basic understanding of this mystical and quite magical creature is highly beneficial. Empaths have quite a few little quirks, traits and characteristics that are worth knowing about, and gaining a better understanding of, so that any relationship that is formed has a strong survival chance and also so that it thrives. Empaths can be deeply misunderstood. It can take a little time to get to know them before they fully unravel and until their true magnificent spirit receives the opportunity to shine.
Love with an empath will be intense as they are energetically sensitive, therefore they will pick up on everything and anything that is happening around them. Regardless of whether emotions have been outwardly expressed, empaths will experience their partner’s emotions as deeply as they feel their own. It is impossible to try to hide true feelings when romantically involved with an empath as they will likely have figured them out long before the person feeling them has. Empaths are highly intuitive yet sometimes fail to trust their inner voice as too many people have previously tried to wrongly convince them that their gut feelings were wrong.
Being a little naïve and trusting at times, the empath has doubted themselves and pushed aside their intuition, causing them to lose faith in the power they hold within that alerts them to any perceived signs of danger. That being said, the little nagging voice in the empath’s head will not subside until the reality and truth has been fully uncovered. Empaths like truth. However hard it is to handle, they would rather be told things straight than told a lie, even if it is a white one. Although the truth isn’t always pretty, it is much nicer than spending days and nights trying to make sense of all the complicated energies and subliminal messaging systems that are going on. If it’s one thing that empaths are amazing at it is dealing with a brutally raw and honest relationship. Although they can be rather delicate creatures on some levels, their strength in relationships is found where honesty, trust and loyalty come before anything else. Empaths can be perceived as having hearts that are caged in. Although, this is only true when they have been deceived so many times they feel that their only option is protection. The true spirit of an empath wants to give and receive love in abundance, though they are only able to do this when they feel safe and secure that they are in a safe place to open the door and allow the love to flow. One of the most tragic parts about the empaths character is that all too often the love is cast out in all the wrong places. Empaths feel the pain and sorrow of the whole world and feel that they want to heal and fix the world up and make things better for all concerned. This can be an amazingly powerful thing and this energy is exactly what the world needs. However, this can also be a deeply painful way to exist. Not everyone sees the world the way an empath views it and because of this, an empath’s heart will be broken constantly and they will bleed endlessly for cruelty, injustice and inequalities. There will be many who will want to take the love, affection and the empath’s good nature with no care for giving any return. Whilst this can teach an empath a lot about unconditional love and also an immense amount about self-preservation, it is also a deeply painful learning process.
An empath will fail to understand why others do not give out care, consideration and affection freely and why other people can so easily turn a blind eye to heartbreak and suffering when healing is what is required. Others may ridicule and belittle the empaths desire to reach out and make a difference, and this serves to add salt to their wounds. When an empath feels hurt, what they need most is loving support and understanding so that they know they are not alone in wanting to use some of their powerful energy to heal and make changes in the world; if they receive this from a partner, a bond for life will very likely form. Empaths will fall into the hands of those who want to take advantage of their somewhat naïve and caring nature. Again, this is another sharp lesson and one that can cause an empath to develop a sense of mistrust and what leads to protecting their emotions with barriers and brick walls. It can also lead to an empath to feelings of unworthiness and also low-self esteem, as once they have depleted their energy reserves to such a low level by giving and not understanding how to protect themselves in the process, they can end up with a broken heart and with very little faith in mankind. It is not in an empaths nature to take, they only know how to give, so to ensure the relationship is one of balance and is also harmonious, ensure the empath is shown love in the form of actions, so that the circle of love flows freely.
Words will mean little to an empath, unless they are followed through. Their intuition will quickly pick up on something done with poor intent, or if a person’s words are inauthentic.To love someone who is an empath means to recognise that they thrive when the flames are turned up, not down. An empath gives off a powerful and energetic fuel of love, light and radiance, though the fire only fully rages when an empath exists in a sacred place within which they feel secure enough to glow. Empaths are soft, delicate and immensely vulnerable creatures on the inside, although, once burnt, on the outside they can appear incredibly strong. Once bitten, twice shy where an empath is concerned, they find it very difficult to forget deep wounds and to continue a relationship once foundations are rocked. The best way to fully connect with an empath is by creating a safe and solid platform to build a future upon. If cracks appear through mistrust and deceit, it can become immensely difficult to repair them.
Empaths thrive on trust, loyalty and dependability. Show them these things and the relationship will be very difficult to break. As empaths are highly passionate people, they will often find a strong connection to a hobby or interest that others will find impossible to penetrate. Due to their creative side, they may find a resonance with music, dance, writing, art, activism, reading, Yoga, meditation, humanitarian causes or other similar interests. Whatever it is that has captured the mind of an empath will be become sacred in their hearts. Empaths will immerse themselves in their hobbies and lose themselves completely and sometimes this can feel as though their interests are the only things that matter to them. Although they will have a deep attachment to their passions, it is far easier to understand that an empath loves all things at great levels of intensity and they need outside interests to survive and feel alive, this can sometimes be difficult for others to understand. Space, plenty of space, and freedom to explore and submerge in their chosen activity is the easiest way to deal with this. Asking an empath to choose may not give the desired outcome that would be hoped for. The heart quickly gets connected to passionate interests, and once that connection has been made, the heart will be break if it has to be severed. Respect and understanding for another’s alone time can make or break a relationship with an empath. An empath will not want or expect anyone else to dive as deeply into their interests as they do, however, an understanding that their interests are significantly important can really make life a whole lot easier. There is no need to feel ostracised or unwelcome, while there’s a little chance an empath will let you fully in to their special interest, it is far more likely they will gain more pleasure when they are wrapped up in it by themselves.
This is not selfish or inconsiderate, it is just simply how the empath’s heart and spirit operate. If they have a connection to something, it is intense and they will very likely wish to delve as deeply into it as is possible. Passions are a great energy release and empaths will possibly feel as though they zone-out while immersed, and they will very likely lose all track of time. Allow them to take pleasure in it, and with the free time this has created, take up interests separately rather than allowing resentment or frustration to build. It possibly won’t last for too long, as empaths are known to move quickly from one interest to another once the initial burning desire of connection eventually simmers down. As empaths are sensitive to energy, their worst-case scenarios are confrontations and aggressive situations.
Although under normal circumstances they are one of the least violent and aggressive characters, they can very easily lose their self-control if they become absorbed in the negative and toxic energy that surrounds them. Empaths are fight or flight characters who more often than not, will prefer to take flight and remove themselves from the weight that the energy is bearing down on them. If situations like this occur regularly, it can eventually lead empaths to become introverted and homebodies as they prefer the safety of their own environment where they are not subjected to the rise and fall of other people’s energies. After attending any kind of social situation, they will need downtime to recharge and to balance out their own energy fields. Places such as supermarkets, nightclubs, the cinema or anywhere where there is a large crowd of people, will be very draining for an empath. They are very sensitive to light and sound, so these things can also have a detrimental and draining effect on an empath’s psyche. An empath will likely need to hold on to their partner’s hand or arm during such occasions, finding that their partner’s energy forms a soothing welcome block and temporary release from the energies that surround. After attending any social function an empath may feel completely drained and the effects can be temporarily debilitating, meaning that all an empath will want to do is sleep or rest, possibly alone, until the absorbing effects of the occasion have worn off. All in all, it will take a very secure, confident and balanced person to form a solid mutually beneficial and rewarding relationship with an empath. The empath personality type is a unique and extremely enchanting gift to the world. As long as their wings are not clipped, and they have the freedom and space to fly, it has the opportunity to be a deeply rewarding, incredibly loving and spiritually awakening relationship for both involved. A connection with an empath can be a blessing and one of the greatest gifts from the universe as it offers the opportunity to look at the world through the lens of a kaleidoscope.
Everything that may have once seemed normal for a relationship will be turned upside down as a new understanding and perspective is learned and the unconscious mind is preened open. At times it may feel like being in the company of a magically gifted being who has special powers that we have been led to believe do not exist within humans. This can be both a blessing and a curse. Nothing will get past an empath as they see, feel and connect with everything at all times. The one thing I would strongly recommend is to peel back all the layers that society labels as “norms,” “standards” and “expectations.” We are then free to discover a brand new way of existing; giving and receiving unconditional love, being fully alive in the moment, connecting deep within the core of our primal being and reigniting all the superpowers that are inherent within man.
A relationship with an empath can lead to uncovering special gifts such as intuition, energy awareness, deep connection and a brand new level of understanding the fellow man without the need for speech. All the things the modern world has tried, for far too long, to convince us we should deny. True love can be a very difficult thing for an empath to achieve, although with the right person, with someone understanding, grounded, free spirited and trustworthy, love can be an intimate, deeply bonding, healing, fulfilling, empowering and healthy addiction that neither will want to break.
Dear Friends, the other day I was send this article, which I absolutely fell in love with. I do not know the source of the piece and therefore have to apologize to the author -as I can not post the reference and give credit where it belongs!! Never less the work is to beautiful not to be shared!! I am familiar with the studies John Gottman started in the 70th and therefore found it interesting to see the authors approach. Personally I believe that we are growing up as spiritual beings and, that this includes taking full responsibility for our feelings. I think that everybody has the responsibility to heal the pain of the inner child, the pain body or lower self, how ever you want to call it, to become a productive part of a oneness society. And I think that kindness and presence with the other, are crucial for every relationship, if you are aiming for a long-term engagement. Very interested to hear what you are thinking!!! Enjoy the read! Love and Kindness! Edith
According to science, lasting relationships come down to – kindness and generosity.
Every year in June, the most popular wedding month of all, thousands of couples say “I do,” committing to a lifelong relationship that will be full of friendship, joy, and love. Feelings that will carry them forward to their final days of life on planet earth. Except, of course, it doesn’t work out that way for most people. The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction. The statistics state, that of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages.
In the 1970s, social scientists first started studying marriages by observing them in action. This happened as there response to a crisis, triggered by a constantly ingresing divorce rate. Worried about the impact these divorces would have on the children of the ended marriages, psychologists decided to determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship are. Is each unhappy family unhappy in its own or did the miserable marriages share something in common? Is there a toxic similarity?
John Gottman began gathering his most critical findings in 1986, when he set up “The Love Lab” with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. Gottman and Levenson brought newlyweds into the lab and watched them interact with each other. With a team of researchers, they hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, like how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still together.
From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. When the researchers analyzed the data they gathered on the couples, they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters. The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples longitudinally, Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.
But what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal—of being in fight-or-flight mode—in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger. Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other. For example, each member of a couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused husband might say to his wife, “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It won’t take you very long.”
The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.
Stressful Relationships vs. Isolation: The Battle for Our Lives
Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat. He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study—one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not—will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.” Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart. “It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”
Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there. People who give their partner the cold shoulder—deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally—damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner’s ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.
Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,” says Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.” That’s how kindness works too: there’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.
“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.” John Gottman elaborated on those spears: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”
“If your partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.” In that moment, the easy response may be to turn away from your partner and focus on your iPad or your book or the television, to mumble “Uh huh” and move on with your life, but neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.
For the hundreds of thousands of couples getting married this month—and for the millions of couples currently together, married or not—the lesson from the research is clear: If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often. Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. In the 2006 study, Gable and her colleagues followed up with the couples two months later to see if they were still together. The psychologists found that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together. In an earlier study, Gable found that active constructive responding was also associated with higher relationship quality and more intimacy between partners.
There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart. In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.
Dear Friends, This is a beautiful piece of very practical and doable advice! Ways how to get your creator awareness aligned and become a more conscious co-creation part in our universe. So many of us feel called these days to understand on very profound levels – how our power to manifest, our responsibility to use our powers wisely and the divine plan work together. What it means and how it works, to really be an active part in the manifestation of the Golden Age of Aquarius on Mother Earth! Personally I feel excited for us as humanity and me as an individual. I feel inspired and motivated to bring, everything I can identify as a burning desire of my soul, into realization on Mother ship Earth! Love and Blessings! Lots of fun with the article!
Greetings, Divine Companions!
In this article, I feel guided to talk about what we are consciously or unconsciously manifesting on the physical plane. This is a major theme these days and will continue to be so. We’ve all progressed so much and are able to manifest much faster – we need to become more conscious of this process. Each and every one of us is capable of creating and manifesting and that is a thing we’ve been doing whether we were aware of it or not. We have been creating constantly all our life, naturally, as it is part of us as Co-Creator beings. Experiences, certain situations, relationships, abundance and literally everything in our life was created and manifested by Us. If until now we’ve been doing it unconsciously, now with all the energetic upgrades, all the shifts in vibration and frequency we’ve been experiencing, it is time to become more aware of all these creations, in order to shape our reality in the vision of our Soul`s Purpose.
The most important aspect of manifestation, that I feel is necessary to emphasise is Self-awareness. Manifestation/Creation is not something you “do” it is something you are, it is a state of being and it’s constant. Self-awareness is the key to create and manifest into your reality whatever you intend to.
Creation exists only in the Now, so first and foremost, we need to ground ourselves in the present moment of Now. When we are in the Now, being self-aware comes easy, cause in the Now, we simply are. Our emotions and thoughts do create our reality, so awareness of those is important, but what really creates our reality is our Consciousness, our Whole being, All we are. So, if we have any sort of fear, blockage, outdated perception, limitation etc. that will stay in the way of creating that which our Heart wants.
We have to become the Observers, which means being in a neutral state of being, of non-judgement. In that place we are able to acknowledge, release and heal what no longer serves us . Those blockages that I’ve mentioned above are not there coincidentally, we’ve placed them on our journey in order to grow. When you are ready to release those and grow from them, it is the first step towards creating the reality that you desire.
Another important aspect of manifestation/creation is Intentions. The Universe will not know what you truly desire to experience in your reality, unless you “ask” for it. You have Freewill, which is a Universal Law, that is why you have to set intentions and hold those intentions. By setting intentions you tell the Universe, “Hey, this is what I want, make it happen! “
How do we set intentions ?
There are numerous simple ways to do that: using affirmations, mantras, guided meditations, visualisations etc. Pick one or more that fit you best. When you are setting your intentions, be specific, but make sure you are not getting caught up in details, let the Universe take care of the details. Trust in yourself and your abilities and have faith that which you intend to. Have no expectations of how that which you intend to, will take form. Life is full of surprises and your expectations will not only be outrun, but if you are too focused on your expectation, which is nothing more than a possibility from a godzillion other possibilities, you could miss the real deal.
Simply stay open to any possibility, opportunity that might be presented to you on the way, follow the signs and synchronicities and trust.
Prepare to be amazed by your own creator abilities, your own power. Use it wisely, consciously.
Thanks you for reading,
Love and Light,
Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.
Letting go of (or breaking up with) a toxic friend, boyfriend or girlfriend is one thing, and there’s plenty of advice out there for doing so, but what about letting go of a toxic family member?
Most of us are not in a position to just walk away, nor do we feel that we want to, or that it’s the right thing to do. So what do we do when a family member is literally spoiling our lives with their toxicity? How do we deal with our feelings of obligation, confusion, betrayal and heartache?
First and foremost, you must accept the fact that not everyone’s family is healthy or available for them to lean on, to call on, or to go home to. Not every family tie is built on the premise of mutual respect, love and support. Sometimes “family” simply means that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some family members build us up and some break us down.
Second, you must understand that a toxic family member may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their troubles, you may still need to protect yourself from their toxic behavior at times).
The key thing to keep in mind is that every case of dealing with a toxic family member is a little different, but in any and every case there are some universal principles we need to remember, for our own sake:
They may not be an inherently bad person, but they’re not the right person to be spending time with every day.– Not all toxic family relationships are agonizing and uncaring on purpose. Some of them involve people who care about you – people who have good intentions, but are toxic because their needs and way of existing in the world force you to compromise yourself and your happiness. And as hard as it is, we have to distance ourselves enough to give ourselves space to live. You simply can’t ruin yourself on a daily basis for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well-being a priority. Whether that means spending less time with someone, loving a family member from a distance, letting go entirely, or temporarily removing yourself from a situation that feels painful – you have every right to leave and create some healthy space for yourself.
Toxic people often hide cleverly behind passive aggression. – Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. Instead of openly expressing how they feel, someone makes subtle, annoying gestures directed at you. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting them, they find small and petty ways to take jabs at you until you pay attention and get upset. This is obviously a toxic relationship situation. It shows this person is set on not communicating openly and clearly with you. Keep in mind that most sane human beings will feel no reason to be passive-aggressive toward you if they feel safe expressing themselves. In other words, they won’t feel a need to hide behind passive aggression if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for what they are thinking. So make it clear to your family members that you accept them for who they are, and that they aren’t necessarily responsible or obligated to your ideas and opinions, but that you’d love to have their support. If they care about you, they will likely give it, or at least compromise in some way. And if they refuse to, and continue their passive aggression, you may have no choice but to create some of that space discussed in point #1. (Read Emotional Blackmail.)
They will try to bully you into submission if you let them. – We always hear about schoolyard bullies, but the biggest bullies are often toxic family members. And bullying is never OK. Period! There is no freedom on Earth that gives someone the right to assault who you are as a person. Sadly, some people just won’t be happy until they’ve pushed your ego to the ground and stomped on it. What you have to do is have the nerve to stand up for yourself. Don’t give them leeway. Nobody has the power to make you feel small unless you give them that power. It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your family and friends. Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places. Be cognizant of how the people closest to you treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw. When necessary, confront them – whatever it takes to give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.
Pretending their toxic behavior is OK is NOT OK. – If you’re not careful, toxic family members can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric. Don’t be fooled. Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this. Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing. Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior. Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued belligerence. Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. If someone in your family over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable, respectful adult on a regular basis, it’s time to speak up and stand your ground.
You do not have to neglect yourself just because they do. – Practice self-care every day. Seriously, if you’re forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to rest and recuperate. Having to play the role of a ‘focused, rational adult’ in the face of toxic moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you. Toxic family members can keep you up at night as you constantly question yourself: “Am I doing the right thing? Am I really so terrible that they despise me so much? I can’t BELIEVE she did that! I’m so hurt!!” Thoughts like these can keep you agonizing for weeks, months, or even years. Sometimes this is the goal of a toxic family member, to drive you mad and make you out to be the crazy one. Because oftentimes they have no idea why they feel the way they do, and they can’t see beyond their own emotional needs… hence their relentless toxic communication and actions. And since you can’t control what they do, it’s important to take care of yourself so you can remain centered, feeling healthy and ready to live positively in the face of negativity when you must –mindfulness, meditation, prayer and regular exercise work wonders!
If their toxic behavior becomes physical, it’s a legal matter that must be addressed. – If you’ve survived the wrath of a physical abuser in your family, and you tried to reconcile things… If you forgave, and you struggled, and even if the expression of your grief had you succumb to outbursts of toxic anger… If you spent years hanging on to the notions of trust and faith, even after you knew in your heart that those beautiful intangibles, upon which love is built and sustained, would never be returned… And especially, if you stood up as the barrier between an abuser and someone else, and took the brunt of the abuse in their place… You are a HERO! But now it’s time to be the hero of your future. Enough is enough! If someone is physically abusive, they are breaking the law and they need to deal with the consequences of their actions.
Although it’s hard, you can’t take their toxic behavior personally.– It’s them, not you. KNOW this. Toxic family members will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong. And because the ‘feeling guilty’ button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Don’t let this happen to you. Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” and “Relationships” chapters of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Hating them for being toxic only brings more toxicity into your life. – As Gandhi once said, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” Regardless of how despicable a family member has acted, never let hate build in your heart. Fighting hatred with hatred only hurts you more. When you decide to hate someone you automatically begin digging two graves: one for your enemy and one for yourself. Hateful grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is for those who are strong enough and smart enough to move on. After all, the best revenge is to be unlike the person who hurt you. The best revenge is living well, in a way that creates peace in your heart.
People can change, and some toxic family relationships can be repaired in the long run. – When trust is broken, which happens in nearly every family relationship at some point, it’s essential to understand that it can be repaired, provided both people are willing to do the hard work of self-growth. In fact, it’s at this time, when it feels like the solid bedrock of your relationship has crumbled into dust, that you’re being given an opportunity to shed the patterns and dynamics with each other that haven’t been serving you. It’s painful work and a painful time, and the impulse will be walk away, especially if you believe that broken trust cannot be repaired. But if you understand that trust levels rise and fall over the course of a lifetime you’ll be more likely to find the strength to hang in, hang on, and grow together. But it does take two. You can’t do it alone. (Read Loving What Is.)
Sadly, sometimes all you can do is let go for good.– All details aside, this is your life. You may not be able to control all the things toxic family members do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them in the long run. You can decide not to let their actions and opinions continuously invade your heart and mind. And above all, you can decide whom to walk beside into tomorrow, and whom to leave behind today. In a perfect world we would always be able to fix our relationships with toxic family members, but as you know the world isn’t perfect. Put in the effort and do what you can to keep things intact, but don’t be afraid to let go and do what’s right for YOU when you must.
THE FLOOR IS YOURS…
What are your experiences with toxic family members? What have you done to cope with their toxic behavior? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.